Luxurious Misery

Absinthe is again available in the United States (our long national nightmare is over), so severe drunks with epic hangovers can now make a proper Sea Captain’s Special . This drink was invented by Seattle bartender Harry Porter. The following recipe is from David Wondrich: In an Old-Fashioned glass, place a sugar cube (or 1/2 teaspoon loose sugar). Wet this down with 2 or 3 dashes of Angostura bitters and a short splash of water or club soda and crush the sugar with a muddler or whatever's handy. Rotate the glass so that sugar grains and bitters give it a lining. Add a large ice cube. Pour in 2 1/2 ounces rye (or bourbon) and top off with brut champagne and 2 dashes absinthe. (If you lack this ingredient, you may use one of the substitutes available -- Absente, Herbsaint, Pernod, etc. -- but since they contain no wormwood, this step will be, let's say, homeopathic.) Happy New Year. "I have had occasion, I fancy, to speak before now of these pick-me-ups of Jeeves's and...

A prize of $1,000,000 1 will be awarded to any remote viewer able to identify the curio which sits on the left corner of the shelf above my desk. Place descriptions in comments. 1 The existence of the $1,000,000 prize can be verified by remote viewing my bank account.

Click on the sponsor links at right, and you could win 1 free airline tickets to exotic vacation destinations like Tokyo, Bangkok, Las Vegas, Djibouti, Prague, and of course Tiraspol; places where people can still enjoy cigarettes, famous brand silk ties, Gin Rickeys 2 , fine dining, adult escorts, animal stacking (or “Tieraufstapelung”), and mixed martial arts. 1 Though I doubt it. 2 If you’re going to insist on drinking gin then make it Boodles. Why not have a beer instead? Hoegaarden Belgian White Ale is an ideal beer for summer quaffing.

By taking a cigarette break a woman avoids being killed by a tree . Unlike secondhand smoke, which no one has ever died from, one can find reports of trees killing people every day . It's sad .

To the list of smoking’s many benefits, which include great taste, a soothing effect on the nerves, heightened mental acuity, to name just a few, can now be added the discovery smokers are at lower risk of getting Parkinson’s disease . At this point there really is no longer any excuse for not enjoying an occasional cigarette.

A new study suggests smokers are less docile than non-smokers. Arguably the anti-smoking crusade is merely the leading edge of other forms of totalitarianism. Smokers as a group are independent thinkers who resist conformity, and therefore must be crushed first. Instead of obeying every chance you get, why not roll a cigarette? All the Peter Stokkebye Blends are highly recommended, and have a drink too. Dewars rocks, perhaps with a bit of Drambuie in it (that's a Rusty Nail), goes great with cigarettes made from fine tobaccos. Enjoy.

The Taliban has come out against smoking . Smoking bans are anti-civilization, as a great American reminds us:

"Gregorio Fuentes, who skippered Ernest Hemingway's fabled fishing boat, the Pilar, for more than 20 years and is said to have been the writer's inspiration for the embattled fisherman in "The Old Man and the Sea," has died. He was 104. Fuentes died of cancer Sunday at his home in Cojimar, the quiet Cuban fishing village about 10 miles east of Havana where Hemingway used to dock the Pilar. Smoking until the end, Fuentes is sad proof that tobacco kills." - from an amusing compendium of the World's oldest smokers

German entrepenuer Alexander Schoppmann wants to start a new airline that will restore the ‘class’ in first class air travel, by, “ offering Cuban cigars, caviar and flight attendants in designer uniforms - as well as smoking allowed in every seat .” Schoppman, himself a pack and ½ a day smoker, hopes Smoker's International Airways, or Smintair, will be able to provide flights between Germany and Tokyo. “It's all about service, and that includes helping people avoid long hours confined without a cigarette break during a long-haul flight. I've been an airline passenger for 50 years, it made me very angry that the gap between service and price became so big with regular airlines. Especially in the first class and business class, service is at its lowest point ever."

"I have never been in the West Indies, but I am in a position to state that in certain of the fundamentals of life they are streets ahead of our European civilization. The man behind the counter, as kindly a bloke as I ever wish to meet, seemed to guess our requirements the moment we hove into view. Scarcely had our elbows touched the wood before he was leaping to and fro, bringing down a new bottle with each leap. A planter, apparently , does not consider he has had a drink unless it contains at least seven ingredients, and I'm not saying, mind you, that he isn't right. The man behind the bar told us the things were called Green Swizzles; and, if ever I marry and have a son, Green Swizzle Wooster is the name that will go down in the register, in memory of the day his father's life was saved at Wembley." - from The Rummy Affair of Old Biffy , P. G. Wodehouse Alas, the recipe for an authentic Green Swizzle (if there ever was such a drink) has been lost. Queen'...

Joe Jackson (yes, that Joe Jackson), comes to the defense of smoking in a passionate and intelligent essay: "Two or three years ago I considered giving up my own moderate enjoyment of tobacco because of the constant barrage of horrific statistics. But antismoking propaganda in the USA (I was living mostly in New York) seemed so overblown, so hysterical, that I became skeptical. So instead of giving up smoking, I started doing research. At first my mind was pretty open; I half expected to find that smoking was even worse than I thought, and I decided that, since I wasn't a hardcore nicotine junkie, I could live without it. Instead, I've been astonished, again and again, by how flimsy much of the antismoking evidence really is. By now I'm absolutely convinced that the dangers of smoking (and ‘secondhand smoke' in particular) are being greatly exaggerated, for a number of reasons, many of which have less to do with health than with politics, money and fashion." [...

American Spirit (Yellow): These feature all natural tobacco, which has made them popular with the alternative crowd as well as with the neo-hippies. They have a strong nicotine kick, but the flavor is harsh and has a blunt, charred taste. Also they have a poor draw. Vastly overrated. Really, don't smoke these. Nat Sherman’s – Nat Sherman started as a tobacconist in New York in 1930. Nat Sherman all natural cigarettes are American classics, and the company history and tradition adds to the smoking experience . They come in elegant boxes and a variety of styles, and the cigarettes themselves are noticeably well constructed. And while I am hostile to light cigarettes it should be remarked that the various Nat Sherman lights are lighter not because they contain filler, but because of different filters and milder blends. (Note: many Nat Sherman styles are brown cigarettes and I have (for whatever reason) an aversion to smoking brown cigarettes, even though (oddly enough) I smoke cigar...

Dunhill (Red –International): Strong but smooth flavor, and have a considerable amount of nicotine. An excellent, top of the line smoke. Debonair. This used to be my regular brand. The ones in the attention getting international box are slightly longer than a king size. With taxes where I live they now cost $7.00 a pack, which is an outrage. Sweet Afton’s (non-filter): From Ireland, though the name comes from a Robert Burns poem. Made of quality Virginia tobacco, this great tasting cigarette is far less harsh than the typical non-filter cigarette. Outstanding. My only complaint is that the box they come in is flimsy. Major Extra Size: These are also from Ireland, I think (and manufactured by the people who make Sweet Afton’s). They are actually smaller than a king size. A nice, mild Virginia tobacco taste. They fall into the category of cigarettes I enjoyed, but for some reason was not inclined to smoke on a regular basis. State Express 555: These UK smokes have eye the most aest...

Introduction ‘Light’ cigarettes: Why are you smoking ‘lights’? Do you think they will only give you ‘light’ cancer? Menthols: Why are you smoking menthols? If you smoke menthols you obviously are not interested in tobacco or smoking, so stop reading this now Cloves: Why are you smoking cloves, are you a goth girl? Oh, you are? Never mind then. 'Generic' brands: Why are you smoking cigarettes that smell and taste like burning tires? If you are willing to risk disease from an activity, pay enough so that it is actually pleasurable enough to be worth doing. Part 1: American Marlboro Reds: I smoked these as a young lad. They provide a decent nicotine kick, and for a mass produced smoke have a middle of the road flavor with a harsh finish. Marlboro 100’s: These are slightly smoother than Marlboro Reds. They are also longer, but not as longer as you might think, since part of the added length (and part of the added smoothness I suspect) stems from longer filters. I guess they are a s...

It is dark and quiet. I like it dark and quiet, don’t you? There are only two other customers, a couple. They seem happy. At times the happiness of others can be opressive. I choose to sit at the bar's other end. The bartender nods and begins mixing my usual. I like the sound that ice makes as it is dropped into a glass, don’t you? When I finish one drink he will make me another without my asking. I check the time : two hours until I have to meet her, and tell her why. Not here, though. I have brought her to many bars, but never to this bar. I’ve never even told her of this bar. As far as she knows this bar doesn’t exist. To the bartender here I don’t exist outside this bar: he knows my drink, but I have not ceded enough information of my real (or should I should say ‘other’?) life for him to form even a partial image of my actual existence. To him I materialize, consume, and dematerialize. He puts the drink down in front of me and moves off. I wonder what he would say to...

The time with her at Leblon beach , that's what the songs remind me of. All my memories of then have a glossy sheen - south of the equator sun reflecting off sand and tan skin, the scenes filtered through polarized lenses . I turn the CD off, finish rolling and light a cigarette. I smoke it while looking out the window of my apartment at a view of a Circle K.

"You loved that watch," she said. "I liked it, " I said, "It's just a watch ." We both knew I was lying. "Why don't you have another drink?" I said, and I ordered one for her and one for me. She looked hurt. She had never seen me losing like this. I had never seen me losing like this. "I'll win it back tomorrow, plus some more. " We both knew I wouldn't.

"The Roman Empire is luxurious, but it is filled with misery. It is dying but it laughs." - Salvianus